I got my knickers in a twist and put on my passive aggressive panties, when really – it was all out of fear, my love.
Now I sit in silence, doubling-up on meds just to ward off the tears that haven’t flowed since I saw you last. And I fear I may never see you again. I fear none of us will ever see you again.
I hold onto bits of our conversation that shone through the cracks of our quarrel. Like, when we agreed we’d meet again through heaven and hell and the space that lies between. Afterall, it’s not like we didn’t meet for a reason. But, I stumble upon the why’s as I frantically focus my energy on art and writing to ward off the heaviness I feel when I miss you the most. The unrelenting day dreams of you laughing and cracking jokes; one of which was today – You said you’d haunt the shit out of me if you caught me with other men; your deepest of irrational fears. That is, if you ended up truly passing through the great unknown to the other side.
I wrote a small story one night as I lay on my side, watching a single star shimmer in and out of consciousness through the breeze beneath the bows – just as you had today. Like all stars, we dance like mobiles in the sky, steadfast…yet, still, our days here are numbered.
I’d like to believe one must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star and that this is what I saw that night from my window.
I hope in your quest for solid ground, for happiness, love, purpose, light, levity, forgiveness, strength and peace of mind, that you do remember I love you and always will. I promised you once – I’d stay with you by your side through thick and thin. And maybe breaking this today with nasty flicks of my tongue is what has me so deeply saddened. Because my words of anger are only fear rising from a loving place where I will always stand with you in spirit, and trust me when I say that it breaks me to say goodbye.
There was a day when I swore up and down that I would never leave someone hanging alone in the midst of the hell that they had unknowingly created, no matter the cost. Because I, too, was once alone and most left me except for a few brave souls. But as they love me from afar, I now know better and I must love you from within.
Since day one, love, I have reached beyond the grave for help and guidance from those closest to you in passing. This is why I pleaded to see beyond it that misty night. I’ll never forget the scene as your heart spilled over the cemetery walls and into every nook and cranny in the stone where you laid your head. Dear god, dear god, that was foreshadowing of what I fear is around the bend.
The tears will flow tonight through a healing journey as I pass you from now until then. As I reluctantly surrender my heart for you and lift our past to those that have went before us in hopes they surround you with ravenous love and light and support and freedom from the chains that bind your soul to those things not meant for you; those things poisoning every pore and every fiber of your being.
I know where you walk, as I’ve walked this road before. I know dear god, where you are but I cannot reach you.
That is the hardest thing of all. It crushes me and renders me breathless, with a knife in my heart, twisted and tearing. Do you know how helpless I feel watching you struggle so, when I swear, the answer’s easy, but it’s so hard to see. I swear your journey will be worth the pain. I cannot grasp you, I can merely shine a glimmer of hope and light in your direction.
The ways in which you travel are yours and yours, alone.
It is fairly obvious to me that my words fall short of grace. I speak in all manner of tones, but you hear not one. This isn’t your fault. I do understand. I just pray and ask for clarity in the most obscure of times. I pray for the cure in the pain and love within indifference to shine through. Our eyes tend to fixate more quickly on truth than our ears are capable of hearing.
Yet, still, I write. I must, as this was my way out long ago. May peace be with you. May you find your way. May you never look back. May you rest but never quit.
And most importantly, may you always know within your center, that …
I love you – Unconditionally.