I saw the way they looked at me. Like deer stunned in headlights. It was as if they weren’t granted the right to tell me what they saw in me. No one ever did. But I knew they knew. It was as if they were being guided and instructed by celestial forces that I was just beginning to acknowledge at the time. What a mind fuck that was. I heard whispers, I saw sideways glances and quick retrievals from bloodshot eyes.
There was a buzz in the air. Aside from an onslaught of signs and synchronicities and real-life paranormal experiences, every conversation turned into 3 – the actual conversation, because let’s face it, the world had to keep spinning; a cosmic interpretation that encouraged me by literally laying out the current and very next steps along my personal spiritual awakening journey; and lastly, the perspective of the other who would always leave the conversation in either a state of bliss or complete and utter confusion, evident by their backward smiles and silent laughter within. I witnessed it all. Now, could you imagine having a conversation, sometimes as simple as someone needing directions from you, and having to hold 3 simultaneously? It isn’t possible to hold all of that information in a stable state for too long. Burn-out is imminent and unavoidable, especially in the beginning stages when awareness is just beginning to play with the magic that you knew instinctively was within.
I will always question why all of these spiritual downloads and knowledge were so intense and overwhelming at the time when I was not ready to understand the importance of integration. I suffered greatly from this. I was diagnosed with Bipolar One and Psychotic Features, my Alcoholism spun out of control as a way to self-medicate the bombardment from that which lit my soul on fire and from trauma I had yet to face, I chased on a whim, I lost greatly in the name of impermanence, I was homeless, I was involuntarily committed time after time for both inpatient and outpatient government-led services, forced to take anti-psychotics, and deemed disabled. When nothing could really be further from the truth.
I almost bought it, too. And that fact, is very scary. I almost threw in the towel not only 3 weeks ago, surrendering to the powers that be. No, not suicidal, but ready to give up. It’s as if it were all a dream and just before you die, you wake up.
I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what was happening to me as I unraveled, which undoubtedly led to chaos for years to come. I didn’t know the general rules, I didn’t realize that this had been happening to others for eons, I didn’t want to risk being labeled crazy for that which was a natural expression of what I realized later was ascension into the reality of 5D.
One thing remained clear, deep down, I never once questioned the reality of what was happening, that this was HUGE, that I had deserved this, and that I was about to catapult myself into an entirely new existence altogether with the help of unseen forces. I will never deny this again. I would be doing myself and others on the same personal journey a grave disservice to accept 3D pathology in a system that was designed to be broken out of fear of the powers that ACTUALLY, TRULY be.
To rob someone of their instincts, their ancestral magic, their spirit and their life, for the sake of control, is beyond tragic. I had witnessed this in my own family growing up. Since those early days, I was determined to understand it, to make it right … in some way. I was being groomed. I was being schooled. I was being charged with the power to carry it out. I had a heavy calling on my hands and at that time, I had no idea how big it truly was.
In my ignorance, on top of understanding mental illness with a fresh, spiritual perspective, I faced the Universe with 2 more genuine desires that I instinctively knew would come to be. This was about 15 years ago, around 2006 when my world, as I knew it, was turned upside down. Shit hadn’t hit the fan until 2010, but this was the first traumatic blow that triggered it all.
I first asked for others to see the magic within me, even before I truly understood the reality in its existence and even before I was capable of understanding the profound nature of first recognizing it in yourself and spreading this outward. Only until then, does this actually happen. On top of that, I hadn’t realized how ego-centered that request was until I suddenly saw actual magic everywhere I turned, in all things. I suppose, looking back, it was really a matter of me asking unseen forces to prove it to myself after I couldn’t explain an onslaught of prophetic dreams that most denied.
Years later, I asked the Universe if I could take it upon myself, upon diagnosis, to be the cycle-breaker in my family lineage. I knew it was my duty to end a cycle, on an energetic level, of alcoholism, mental illness and generational trauma. This is where my blogs came sprang forth, offered up as a brilliant idea from two close friends. I set out to challenge myself and show others what it was like from my perspective to battle mental illness and addiction. That was all I set out to do, yet this practice returned so much more. Healing, Expression, Faith, Skill, Understanding, Surrender, Compassion, Clarity, Creativity, Connection and Life.
Although steps toward each were naively taken in the beginning, I still didn’t know exactly how it would all pan out and I suppose I let it up for the Universe to decide, although in hindsight, if I were my guides, I wouldn’t have made it that brutal. I don’t regret it or curse the stars for what transpired because it brought me to a new level of awareness and healing that could never be taught or force-fed, it has to be experienced, fully.
A decade later, here I stand, seeing it all in a brand new, refreshed perspective that actually makes total sense. Peering over mountain ranges yet to climb, but having reached this summit, I see that I was thrown into all of it, headfirst, for a reason. Harsh lessons, rampant alcoholism, loss that I never saw coming, stripped of my identity through and through, torn down by the system and thrown into a box without a key, over and over again for years on end … having nothing left to do but rebuild little by little with ancestors, guides and the Universe at my side. It was a journey to enlightenment, without a doubt. A spiritual path, fit just for me, undeniably just for strengthening the muscles needed for the calling ahead of me.
I sit at the crux, although not as difficult as blindly facing my shadow as I had for ten years, almost losing my life many times over. This time, I am certain it will come to fruition. I am certain of my angelic team and earthly supports. I have nothing left but to have faith in what had transpired to kick me into the next force of life with more confidence and determination. How could I not look back on all of this and not know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am well-looked out for?
It is quite like holding your breath for ten years straight through, waiting to exhale a truth you think no one knows but you. To finally be validated upon that altar means the world to me. To make sense of it all is a dream come true. Once and for all, I can speak up with clarity and with a voice I almost died for to express and practice, after being silenced for so long. I am not the only one.
I sometimes look back and wonder if some of these folks were unable to speak up because they knew deep down that this was something I had to walk in, sit within and drown in, alone. Perhaps. In either case, I am grateful they stepped aside.
Everything is clearer on the flipside.
To be cont …